Attitudy Moody

About a month ago I hit a breaking point. I had reached the
desperation point with my weight and my fitness level. I am tired of avoiding
the mirror and feeling like I want to hide so no one can see me. I'm tired of
standing in my closet and crying because all my clothes make me look fat--and
realizing that it's not the clothes. There are no clothes in the world that can
make 212 pounds look thin, and that is a fact. I'm tired of being exhausted.
I'm tired of feeling winded when I walk up the stairs. I want to be healthy and
active so I can set a good example for Grace. If I continue in my current
lifestyle I will die young from high triglycerides and high cholesterol and all
the health problems that plague obese women who carry their fat around their
middle like an "apple" shape.

I have PCOS. I have been to two endocrinologists, and I have tried several
different diet plans--some based on doctors' advice and some based on
desperation and books I read. I eventually gave up. The scale wouldn't budge,
and I couldn't stick with the diets very long. Any weight loss that I saw
returned very quickly as soon as I fell off the dietary wagon.

So, a month ago I joined Weight Watchers online. I have been skeptical
and reluctant to spend the money, but I have seen three of my friends getting
slimmer and slimmer on the WW plan, so I decided the give it a whirl. I had to
pay for 3 months of the service up front, so I decided to make a 3 month
commitment. I figured that would be enough time to determine if it is do-able
or not. Well, if the next two months go anything like the first month, then I
will not be cancelling my subscription anytime soon! I still feel very
cautiously hopeful--but hopeful nonetheless, and after all the time I have
spent in despair, a glimmer of hope is the brightest light I have seen in a
while. I have found something that seems to work for me. I can eat whatever I
want as long as I track it. I don't have to count calories or carbs. It's just
one number--points plus values. WW has done the research for me. I have the app
on my phone so I can look up points and track my food and activity as soon as I
am done with them. It keeps me accountable with a visual representation of my
progress. I can see the chart of my weight loss and see success even if I don't
see it in the mirror yet.

I have started exercising. Again, the activity points and the chart
that shows if I have logged activity motivates me. The monthly and weekly
progress reports make me want to do better and better. I'm setting goals and
actually achieving them. What an exhilarating feeling. I try not to get
discouraged by what I don't see in the mirror. I try to focus on the positive
healthy changes I am making. I have to take baby steps. If I behave as though I
love myself and I'm worth it, then perhaps one day I will really feel it. I
have seen a positive change in my moods already, and I pray that the upward
trend continues. Our lives are about to get crazy hectic with a 99.9% chance of
a job change and a move coming up in the next month or two. This is the time
that I need to stick to my plan the most. This will be a good test of my
commitment and my faith that God will give me the strength to accomplish my
goals.