Performance Review

I have been feeling down the past few days. That’s nothing new. Depression is something I have dealt with my whole life, but evidently the first year after having a baby is quite a doozy. Here I am at 4 1/2 months since Baby M. was born, and I think I’m making progress. However, my husband would be a better judge of that! LOL!

Last night as I reviewed the day’s events and looked over my home, I decided I needed to fire the maid service. The house was trashed, and the dishes were piled to the ceiling. There wasn't one clean piece of silverware in the drawer. The cook needed to be replaced too. Dinner was usually late, and once it was served, it was edible, but certainly not as tasty as my family deserves. The accountant needs to go too. Bills are often paid late, and funds are used inefficiently. Record-keeping is shoddy at best. Finally, the child-care provider needed to be replaced. The kids stay up way too late, watch entirely too much TV, and have a room that can scarcely be navigated without a foot being impaled by a toy.

Sadly, I cannot replace all of these people, because—I realized with a sinking heart—Those people are me. If I had a boss who was to give me a performance review right now, I think I would be put on an improvement plan would be in danger of being fired. I knelt in prayer and had a heart to heart with Heavenly Father.

Why are these things so difficult for me? These are basic life skills: Housekeeping, Budgeting, Bill Paying, Laundry, Dishes, etc. Why do I not possess any of them naturally? Was it the way I was raised? If I compare my house to the one I grew up in, yes, we are a far cry from the hoarder’s den I called home. However, I still do not feel comfortable having friends over, and I definitely do NOT want anyone just dropping in unannounced. My friends who have seen my home I’m sure left shaking their heads and wondering why in the world I don’t clean my house??

I used to think it was because I worked full time as a teacher, but now I don’t. And the weirdest thing is that the house is MESSIER and I am MORE UNORGANIZED than when I was working. How can that be? I’m home ALL DAY. Why doesn’t the house ever get clean? Why don’t I ever get things more organized? I always feel like I’m bailing out with a teacup. The chaos is pouring in faster than I can get rid of it.

There are a couple of things that came to mind after my prayer and during my thinking moments. One is that in a teaching job—any job really—there is always a performance review, and there are often other indicators along the way of how well or poorly you are doing your job. As a teacher, I always had data to use to measure my performance. I had observations from administrators throughout the year. Finally, I had an end of year performance review that usually included some sort of portfolio.

I don’t have that now. The only people reviewing my performance are my kids, my husband and me. Well, the kids don’t care if the house is clean, and a 4-year-old isn’t going to give me a list of strengths and areas for improvement. My husband comes home from a long day of work—he’s exhausted and has to jump right into his second job of being a student. He isn't going to think to tell me “attagirl” because I did some laundry. And finally, I’m my own worst critic, so the work will never be good enough in my eyes.

This is a recipe for a downward spiral.

Another thing I noticed is that while getting up and going to work so early, working all day at an often frenzied pace, picking up the kids and coming home by 5 or 6 was an arduous schedule—There were TRANSITIONS. I got frustrated at work, but I vented and fumed about it when I left, and when I picked up my daughter from daycare, I took off my teacher hat and put on my mommy hat. The worries of work would still be there in the morning. I had a whole different set of cares at home that needed my attention.

 I’m NOT saying that schedule was easy. It was exhausting. However, with my current situation, I work from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep, and I don’t get to clock out. I don’t get a sick day. I don’t get to change hats. I wear the mommy hat 24/7, and I also wear the maid hat, accountant hat, chef’s hat, veterinarian’s hat, and countless others—many of them at the same time. I don’t get downtime until everyone is in bed. I think that is something that is hard for me. I hope it’s something I can adjust to. I need to find a way to make it feel like I have transitions during the day. Maybe if I scheduled my day better (or at all).

Finally, an impression came to me after my prayer, and I sat down this afternoon and made a list. Only, instead of a To-Do list, it was a Ta-Da list. I always have long to-do lists that are never completed. They feel like a weight dragging me down. All I have been able to see lately is where I’m failing. What I’m not doing. What I’m doing poorly. I look around at the end of the day, and I’m exhausted, BUT, there is no evidence anywhere of any of the things that I have done that day. How is that possible? 

Well, today I made a list of all the things that I did—my accomplishments both large and small (okay, mainly small). I began with a negative attitude thinking that it would be a very short list judging by the way the house looked. Plus I was sick. To my astonishment, I wrote a list that almost filled a sheet of notebook paper from top to bottom. I sat back and realized that I had done a lot of things that day. And looking over the list gave me an opportunity to see where I spent my time. I realized that I hadn’t spent enough time with Grace, so I decided to make some time for her that afternoon/evening.

When I write my to-do list, I categorize it by my life priorities so I can focus on all my priorities in each day and not leave them out: 1)Spiritual growth, 2)marriage relationship, 3)Children—nurture & teach, 4)Home management—housekeeping, finances, meals, 5)Professional/Educational

I think going forward I will make a Ta-Da list each day and code each thing to see where I am spending my time. Maybe I feel tired because I’m spending too much time in some areas and not enough in others.

One day I will get the ultimate performance reviews. One review will be in the way my children live their lives. Another will be in the relationship with my husband. Finally, I will stand before my Heavenly Father to be judged. I pray that I may continue to improve and live my life in such a way that I may receive glowing reviews from those who matter most. Until then, I will seek God’s guidance to help me know when I’m doing my best and when my best is good enough.

Guard Rails

I had an "Aha!" moment today. I was out running errands with my two-year old, and as promised, I took her to her favorite drive-thru for a meal and a toy. Before entering the drive-thru line, I parked the car and decided to check my Weight Watchers app to see if there was anything on the menu that I could order as an indulgence without blowing my points for the day (or my weekly points).

As I scrolled through menu, my conscience reared her ugly head.

If you are hungry, why don't you get a salad? That would be much better for you.

I'm not here because I'm hungry. I'm here because I want a treat.

A greasy, unhealthy hamburger is a treat? I'm not following the logic.

Well, yeah. I mean, isn't it? I've been under a LOT of stress lately, and I have been losing weight and sticking to the plan in spite of it. Don't I deserve to indulge in some comfort food? I mean, I'm almost at my 5% goal.

Please explain to me how comforting that greasy hamburger is going to be in about an hour when you have a tummy ache and fast-food-remorse? And how is it going to help you reach your goal exactly?

Yeah, well, when you put it like that....but....I'm stressed and tired, and there's a lot going on right now. (I'm pretty sure I was whining by this point.)

Food won't fix it.

Excuse me?

Food. won't. fix it. In fact, your over-indulgence in food has brought you more grief than comfort, hasn't it?

And then I had a small epiphany. Here I was sitting in a fast-food parking lot arguing with myself over a hamburger. Really? A greasy, icky, junky, overpriced burger. What was wrong with me? And I was feeling angry too. I was so mad because all those people in that drive-thru line were eating their hearts out with no worry and no restrictions. They were eating all the hamburgers they wanted. (And french fries--glorious french fries.) Why couldn't I have some too?

At this point I think my inner child pouted, put her hands on her hips and stamped her foot. Perhaps that's what brought me to my senses.

Photo from Flickr

I'm not living within strict rules that deny me good food, comfort and fun. These guidelines and points are not a barbed wire fences that keep me away from happiness. They are guard rails that keep me on the path to success. Sure, I could jump over them, but what's on the other side? A rocky slope full of briars and thorns and all types of dangerous terrain. If I stay within the guard rails, then I have true freedom. I can continue in my journey and enjoy the sights. I won't get stuck in a ditch in a search for false comfort. I can zip along my road of life with energy and health. Yeah, the other side of the guard rail looks inviting, but I've been over there--got the scrapes and bruises to prove it--it's more treacherous than it seems.

I might be going uphill right now, and I might be crawling at a snail's pace, but at least I have the comfort and peace of mind of knowing that I'm making better choices and taking better care of myself one meal at a time.

A Work in Progress

As I continue on my journey I have begun to realize that my relationship with food is much deeper than just feeling hungry or even just a reaction to stress. I'm not sure when my love affair with eating began, but food has become my self-medication. Over the years I have removed many vices from my life, but I didn't recognize this one until relatively recently. It is a subtle addiction. I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I'm angry or sad or bored. What do I do to celebrate? I eat, of course. I soothe my inner child with food. I also punish her with food. Addiction to overeating is difficult to overcome. When I quit drinking, I removed the substance from my life. I poured out all the bottles in my house. I refused to go to bars, and for several years I wouldn't even sit near the bar in a restaurant. I would walk all around the entire grocery store just to circumvent the liquor aisle. I shunned the substance like a rattlesnake.

But I can't quit food. I can't eliminate it completely from my life. I can't go cold turkey on it. (Pardon the pun.) I have to control it--and stop letting it control me. As I struggle to gain control of my eating, I realize that I need to really dig in there and see what my thoughts and feelings are when I eat--or when I don't eat. I have been moodier lately. I have emotions such as frustration, stress, or depression, but I don't know what to do with them anymore now that I'm not eating them. They just swarm around me in an ever-thickening cloud. How do I cope?

When I drive home from work, I grip the steering wheel tightly so it doesn't turn into the fast food drive-thru. When I'm home I force myself to walk out of the kitchen and go upstairs. My house is cleaner than it has been in a long time. I feel like an alcoholic or a smoker who has kicked the habit--all nervous and jumpy.

But there is a feeling of peace that is beginning to grow, and sometimes I can see the light begin to cut through the cloud around me. Slowly. Subtly. Somehow I need to learn to take care of me. Maybe that's the root of it all. Maybe I have never taken care of me because since I was a child I had to take care of everyone else. Maybe I always felt like I wasn't worth taking care of since no one did. I took care of myself in the only way I could teach myself--by ignoring me and focusing on the chaos around me and the people around me who needed help. I was too much of a mess inside to be able to fix, but I could work magic on those around me.

So I turn to food to comfort me or punish me depending on the situation. I either deserve to be treated because I have earned it, or I think, 'What does it matter? No one else cares anyway. It's a hopeless dream to think that I could ever lose weight (be attractive/desirable/lovable/worthy) anyway." And so I eat. I try to fill the emptiness.

I don't have an eating problem. I have a faith problem.
I don't feed myself too much. I love myself too little.

I wouldn't treat my daughter this way, so why am I treating a daughter of God this way?
I don't know how to change myself.--I'm grateful that the Lord can change me.
I guess I'm a work in progress. If I keep working, eventually I'll progress.
Lord give me strength.

Pushing Through the Pain

 

I have been having a lot of trouble in the past couple of months with my right hip and right knee. The pain was part of the motivation to lose weight. I figured that if I could get the extra weight off of my joints they would hurt less and allow me to be more active.

However, as I have begun a habit of daily walking, the pain in my knee has grown worse, and the pain in my hip has not improved. I keep pushing through the pain, hoping that as each week passes, losing 1.5-2 pounds a week, eventually the pain will lessen. I have to exercise or I don't lose weight. Exercise and sufficient water intake are key. If I eliminate them from the equation, I'm deadlocked and can't lose weight.

I have cut out the jogging, but frankly, jogging feels better on hip--albeit worse on my knee. Today I went for a stroll-very low intensity, just to move my body and keep the habit of exercise going.

I could try using the elliptical downstairs--only a few problems with that:

1. I hate aerobic exercise on machines. It feels like time crawls to a stop as I torture myself seemingly indefinitely. Super boring too.
2.  I can't get on the elliptical when the 2 year old is awake because she wants to play on it, and she will get hurt. I can't stop it on a dime.
3. Did I mention I hate aerobic exercise on machines?

So, now I have to decide if I just keep pushing through the pain, or go ahead and make an appointment with the doctor to see if we can figure out if something other than being obese is causing the pain. ((sigh))

Growing Up

What I really want to know is when does a person actually start to feel like a grown-up? As a kid I remember looking at the grown-ups and thinking they were like an alien life form. They had all the answers, knew exactly what needed to be done next, and they were always responsible. I couldn't imagine being like them. Still can't. Here I am in my mid 30's, and I still don't know what I'm doing. I have experiences under my belt and deep abiding faith that the Lord is in control (and I'm not). But every day I have to make decisions, and the fact of the matter is that I really don't know if I'm making the right choices half the time. Am I being a good mom? What if I'm really getting it all wrong when I think I'm doing okay? What does the future hold? I have not one clue. Life changes so unexpectedly. I look at people who are my parents' age and I see them in a similar way that I used to see that same generation 25 years ago. The seem to have it all together and have found all the answers. But how can that be true when here I am--an adult--and I still feel like a kid in a bigger and achier body. When will I finally feel grown up? At this rate it will be long after I'm dead.

Attitudy Moody

About a month ago I hit a breaking point. I had reached the
desperation point with my weight and my fitness level. I am tired of avoiding
the mirror and feeling like I want to hide so no one can see me. I'm tired of
standing in my closet and crying because all my clothes make me look fat--and
realizing that it's not the clothes. There are no clothes in the world that can
make 212 pounds look thin, and that is a fact. I'm tired of being exhausted.
I'm tired of feeling winded when I walk up the stairs. I want to be healthy and
active so I can set a good example for Grace. If I continue in my current
lifestyle I will die young from high triglycerides and high cholesterol and all
the health problems that plague obese women who carry their fat around their
middle like an "apple" shape.

I have PCOS. I have been to two endocrinologists, and I have tried several
different diet plans--some based on doctors' advice and some based on
desperation and books I read. I eventually gave up. The scale wouldn't budge,
and I couldn't stick with the diets very long. Any weight loss that I saw
returned very quickly as soon as I fell off the dietary wagon.

So, a month ago I joined Weight Watchers online. I have been skeptical
and reluctant to spend the money, but I have seen three of my friends getting
slimmer and slimmer on the WW plan, so I decided the give it a whirl. I had to
pay for 3 months of the service up front, so I decided to make a 3 month
commitment. I figured that would be enough time to determine if it is do-able
or not. Well, if the next two months go anything like the first month, then I
will not be cancelling my subscription anytime soon! I still feel very
cautiously hopeful--but hopeful nonetheless, and after all the time I have
spent in despair, a glimmer of hope is the brightest light I have seen in a
while. I have found something that seems to work for me. I can eat whatever I
want as long as I track it. I don't have to count calories or carbs. It's just
one number--points plus values. WW has done the research for me. I have the app
on my phone so I can look up points and track my food and activity as soon as I
am done with them. It keeps me accountable with a visual representation of my
progress. I can see the chart of my weight loss and see success even if I don't
see it in the mirror yet.

I have started exercising. Again, the activity points and the chart
that shows if I have logged activity motivates me. The monthly and weekly
progress reports make me want to do better and better. I'm setting goals and
actually achieving them. What an exhilarating feeling. I try not to get
discouraged by what I don't see in the mirror. I try to focus on the positive
healthy changes I am making. I have to take baby steps. If I behave as though I
love myself and I'm worth it, then perhaps one day I will really feel it. I
have seen a positive change in my moods already, and I pray that the upward
trend continues. Our lives are about to get crazy hectic with a 99.9% chance of
a job change and a move coming up in the next month or two. This is the time
that I need to stick to my plan the most. This will be a good test of my
commitment and my faith that God will give me the strength to accomplish my
goals.

New Beginnings

About a month ago I hit a breaking point. I had reached the
desperation point with my weight and my fitness level. I am tired of avoiding
the mirror and feeling like I want to hide so no one can see me. I'm tired of
standing in my closet and crying because all my clothes make me look fat--and
realizing that it's not the clothes. There are no clothes in the world that can
make 212 pounds look thin, and that is a fact. I'm tired of being exhausted.
I'm tired of feeling winded when I walk up the stairs. I want to be healthy and
active so I can set a good example for Grace. If I continue in my current
lifestyle I will die young from high triglycerides and high cholesterol and all
the health problems that plague obese women who carry their fat around their
middle like an "apple" shape.

I have PCOS. I have been to two endocrinologists, and I have tried several
different diet plans--some based on doctors' advice and some based on
desperation and books I read. I eventually gave up. The scale wouldn't budge,
and I couldn't stick with the diets very long. Any weight loss that I saw
returned very quickly as soon as I fell off the dietary wagon.

So, a month ago I joined Weight Watchers online. I have been skeptical
and reluctant to spend the money, but I have seen three of my friends getting
slimmer and slimmer on the WW plan, so I decided the give it a whirl. I had to
pay for 3 months of the service up front, so I decided to make a 3 month
commitment. I figured that would be enough time to determine if it is do-able
or not. Well, if the next two months go anything like the first month, then I
will not be cancelling my subscription anytime soon! I still feel very
cautiously hopeful--but hopeful nonetheless, and after all the time I have
spent in despair, a glimmer of hope is the brightest light I have seen in a
while. I have found something that seems to work for me. I can eat whatever I
want as long as I track it. I don't have to count calories or carbs. It's just
one number--points plus values. WW has done the research for me. I have the app
on my phone so I can look up points and track my food and activity as soon as I
am done with them. It keeps me accountable with a visual representation of my
progress. I can see the chart of my weight loss and see success even if I don't
see it in the mirror yet.

I have started exercising. Again, the activity points and the chart
that shows if I have logged activity motivates me. The monthly and weekly
progress reports make me want to do better and better. I'm setting goals and
actually achieving them. What an exhilarating feeling. I try not to get
discouraged by what I don't see in the mirror. I try to focus on the positive
healthy changes I am making. I have to take baby steps. If I behave as though I
love myself and I'm worth it, then perhaps one day I will really feel it. I
have seen a positive change in my moods already, and I pray that the upward
trend continues. Our lives are about to get crazy hectic with a 99.9% chance of
a job change and a move coming up in the next month or two. This is the time
that I need to stick to my plan the most. This will be a good test of my
commitment and my faith that God will give me the strength to accomplish my
goals.